i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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