Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
