her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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