Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
