She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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