i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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