Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
