turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
