it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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