All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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