Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Michael Bay diarrhea
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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