ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
