operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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