remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
handjob tips. give me some.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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