I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
