Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
