alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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