I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
