mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
