Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
