you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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