if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
