The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
