My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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