she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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