every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
