If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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