i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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