so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
