my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he puts the penis in happiness.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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