I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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