It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
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we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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