anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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