my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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