and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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