Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
