Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
