I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
