I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
