dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
