Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
