I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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