Sponge bath it is.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
