Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
