like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You're like the curious george of whores
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
