i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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