Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
