i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
