please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
