Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
