At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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