is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
