Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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