I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
