1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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