I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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