you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
