She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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