I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The beer is more important than you right now.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
